everyone's the same and so are you
by burn my mind
Summary: Serena's lying in the backseat of the taxi, legs stretched across soft seats. She's frowning, as if her dreams are bad. Like she has nightmares, everyone has always assumed happy things fill her dreams. Fairies, pixies, magical lands, a bit of Alice in Wonderland with a mix of Peter Pan. SN. Various time frames.


**Authors Note: **These are all separate pieces, taken from different time frames. This means that my view point of writing will change, if that makes sense? Some of these are out of character but idc.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

::

_everyday i wake up_

_everyday i wake up alone_

_everyday i wake up_

_everyday i wake up alone_

::

She's gone, she's not here, not next to him, not here, not with him.

And it sucks, and he can feel some sort of pain flying through his chest, hurting him and breaking him.

He grabs his discarded phone, lying on the floor, scrolls through his contact list. _S_. _Sal, Sally, Seana, Serena. _He presses her name, holds his phone to his ear.

"Serena here! Well - not here. That's why you need to leave me a message, (Blair laughing in the background.) I'll get back to you soooooon, bye!" He smiles, her voice making him instantly happy. He can still taste vanilla on his lips and smell lavender on his skin.

But she's not _here_. She left him, after he gave her everything. He waits for the beep, holds his breath, tries to come up with what to say, _i love you_, _i've always loved you_, _where are you?_, _last night - it was the best night of my life_.

"Serena! Hey, um, so last night. Last night was something, uh, special. Where are you, though? You're not here, you weren't here when I woke up." He wants to say more, but the beep cuts him off.

He finishes getting dressed, makes sure he's presentable. Smooths down his collar, his suit jacket, his pants. Then it all hits him, when he sees Blair's name light up on his screen. He cheated on his girlfriend with her best friend, the same best friend he's wanted since forever. Said best friend ditched him, left him before he even woke up.

Because Serena doesn't want him, not if she got up and left without even saying goodbye. No note, she didn't wake him up. She didn't leave anything that marked her presence in this room. He ignores Blair's call, but his eyes catch the text she had sent him only seconds prior.

_Serena's gone to boarding school. Call me asap! - B. _

And his heart sinks even more.

::

_drugs, bars, backseats of cars, blowing boys._

_what a boring life i've led so far. _

::

"I want excitement," Serena slurs, head falling against Nate's lap. Her fingers playing with the buttons on his shirt, popping them out, then pushing them back in. Giggles flowing past her lips, falling flat against ears in the limo. Then, a sigh, hands stilling, falling by her sides.

"Isn't getting kicked out of a bar because of _indecent _activity enough for you?" Nate laughs, pushing Serena's hair out of her face. Her hands fly up to cover her face.

"Nooo," She whines, kicking her legs up in the air, pink covered toes peeking out of sandals more suited for Summer than Winter.

"Shut up, S." Anthony groans, shooting Nate a look. He didn't exactly want to be picking up Serena van der Woodsen at four in the morning, an hour before Lacrosse practice. Nate shoots him an apologetic smile, shrugging his shoulders as he watches Serena.

"What are you even doing here?" Serena glances at Anthony, leaning against the leather seats in the limo, eyes half closed. "I asked _Nate_ to come and pick me up, not you. If you so much as _hint _at this to Blair, I'll have to kill you." Serena panicky rushes out the words, eyes wide with fear. Blair _can't _know about this. Serena doesn't want her to be disappointed in her again.

"He won't tell, I promise." Nate tells her. Serena smiles softly at him, she can always trust Nate.

"Thanks," Serena yawns, eyes closing as she snuggles up to Nate.

::

_teacher says that i've been naughty_

_i must learn to concentrate _

::

Nate groans, head falling back against your coach. Your hands pluck out the sheet between his fingers, eyes raking over the words.

"It's not _that _bad," You pout, banging your shoulders together. You leave the sheet discarded on the table in front of the two of you, you grab his hand and head out the elevator doors. His arms are crossed against his chest, a frown stuck on his lips. You really hope it's not permeant.

"Come on, Natie. Let's get ice-cream?" You suggest nervously, your upper teeth sinking into your lower lip. He shakes his head, avoiding eye contact. You realise that your attempts are futile, he's not upset about his score. He's upset about something else.

"What's wrong?" You demand, head high, shoulders back. Just like Blair had taught you, _be brave_, you hear her whisper. You've _always _been brave, she hasn't always been brave. You smile at the thought, before shaping your mouth into a straight line. You mean business.

"Ms. Theanea told me I was useless. _Utterly _useless. She told me that unless I start paying attention I'll have to repeat the year! I know I'm not smart, S, but repeating a year? I'm not _that _useless am I?" With his big blue eyes glistening with tears, and his face filled with pain, you've never wanted to hurt anybody as much as you want to hurt Ms. Theanea.

You pull Nate into a hug, crushing your body against his. Wrapping your arms around his body, holding him close. He's anything but useless.

"Nate, you're _not _useless. You're the best. Without you, I don't even _want _to think about what my life would be like. You're my best friend, after B. Don't tell her, but I kind of like you more anyway," You watch him grin at the line, and you laugh. "So don't _ever _think you're useless, because you're my everything. She won't make you repeat the year, she just like scaring us." And seeing him smile, building him up makes _you_ happy.

"Ice-cream?" Nate offers, grabbing onto your hand, and somewhere in the back of your brain something is telling you that this is bad. Really bad. He's Blair's boyfriend, and your heart is beating fast, and you never want to let go of his hand. You love him, and you love him more than Blair loves him, and you love him differently to how you love Blair and Chuck.

"Ice-cream." You state with a happy grin, you almost love him like you loved your last boyfriend, but you love him _more_.

::

_i'll be the beauty queen in tears_

_it's a new art form showing people how little we care_

_we're so happy, even when we're smiling out of fear_

_let's go down to the tennis court and talk it up like _yeah

::

You're twenty seven when Serena and Dan divorce. You walk in on glass flying, shouting and screaming, and frustrated tears rolling down Serena's face.

"I hate you!" You hear Serena scream, watch as she turns her face away from Dan, black lines running down her face. It's almost beautiful, if she wasn't in so much pain.

"_You_ lied to _me_! Not the other around, Serena! You can just lie, and not _care_ a tiny bit!" Dan shouts back, he's crying by this point. Eyes broken, lips cracked, and he's tired. You can tell.

"Hey," You try to come off as casual, a small hand wave, Chinese food in hand. Four eyes turn to face you. Dan runs his fingers through his hair, and a small smile lifts at his lips.

But, if you had to choose a side, you would choose Serena. You would choose her a million times over, and you try not to memorise her scent as she pushes past Dan and flies into your arms, squeezing you tight like you're eighteen or nineteen and she's _yoursyouryours_. Like you're thirteen, eating ice-cream and pop tarts and cheering you up. Like you're five, and she's the prettiest girl you've ever seen.

"Please, just, take me out of the mess." She whispers, smiling up at you, forced, and it's painful to look at. You wrap your arms around her frame, and lead her out of the house.

The two of you end up at a tennis court out at the Hamptons, Chinese food in front of you. Laughing together, and forgetting the scene you had walked in on earlier. And, a grand game of _remember when_ turns into hungry kisses and fumbling hands. You want this, you want Serena, but-

"Stop." You state, pulling your lips away from hers. Fingers tracing the rings still on her fingers, no words flitting past the two of you. She rests her head on your shoulder, watching the stars glitter in the black night. Eyelids grow heavy.

"Night, Natie." She whispers.

She's back with Dan in the morning, divorced by the next Tuesday, and you never find out what the fight was about.

(They're married again six years later, and you don't show up.)

::

_i'm glad that we stopped kissing the tar on the highway_

_and i like you_

::

Serena's lying in the backseat of the taxi, legs stretched across soft seats. She's frowning, as if her dreams are bad. Like she has nightmares, everyone has always assumed happy things fill her dreams. Fairies, pixies, magical lands, a bit of Alice in Wonderland with a mix of Peter Pan.

Nate knows better. He knows that she dreams of bad things, of her mother leaving her (again, but that's not exactly a dream, or a nightmare. It's a reality)., of car crashes and drug overdoses and crazy, wild parties that are out of control. She dreams of Blair being hurt, of something happening to her. She dreams of twisted things, distorted images of things that scare her. She told Nate once, when she was high and upset, tears slipping down her cheeks.

_"My dreams are always bad, Natie. Like the one I had last night, it was horrible. I was _dead_, overdosed on cocaine. Lying in an alleyway, nobody even _cared_." _He couldn't get the sentence out of his head, no matter how hard he tried. It had haunted him for a year, it's going to haunt him for a hell of a lot more. He's always seen her as bright, sunny, he's always seen her just like everybody else. With no causes, no care, wild, free. Something straight out of a film, a perfect character created by a human with an urge to create perfection. And, always, the perfect girl is layered with darkness and messiness that haunts her.

"Nate?" Her eyes peel open, blue orbs peering at his face in the darkness. The early hours of the morning casting a dim light upon them. He cracks a smile at her, hands brushing blonde hair away from her face. She smiles softly back at him, hands reaching for his, fingers curling around it, holding it tight. Eyes closing again, the smile falling off, his thumb stroking her hand softly as she falls back asleep. Oblivious to the world around her. Oblivious to his feelings, and he knows it's bad but he leans down and kisses her lips softly anyway.

"I like you, Serena. I _really _like you," Her eyes are closed, but the corners of her lips lift up for a fraction of a second anyway. "Love you, S." And he's done with Blair, and she doesn't have a boyfriend at the moment. Maybe they could work, maybe, just _maybe_.

But they won't. Even if they had a chance, which they won't because Blair will forgive him by midday and they'll reunite like always because the two of them are each others destiny and they love each other with all their hearts, but even if they had a chance they wouldn't work out. Not for the long run, anyway. They would fall apart, their hearts too small to carry a love so big. So infinite, so childish, so dramatic. Blair and he were a long term type of couple, always intertwined with each other, forever attached to one another. Serena and he would be one of those couples that could of but can't, blame it on bigger loves. Blame it on pain. He doesn't know how to describe it, he just _knows _that they couldn't make it long term. They would be each others affairs, each others comfort in between breaks with their big loves. The one they turn to when in pain, or doubt.

"I like you too, Nate. I _really _like you," He closes his eyes, lips lifting up just a bit at the sound of her voice. At her words. "Love you, N." And he starts to doubt himself, because maybe they could be one of those grand couples that are together until old age.

::

_oh, i've been longing to see you_

_you've been on my mind_

_talk about a lonely time_

_you don't know how much i need you _

::

"God, Nate. Look, I'll _always _love you. Just not the fucking way you want me to love you. I can't be with you for all eternity! I just - I _can't__**. **_I don't love you like that." You feel bad, guilty because you love him, you've missed him but you can't do this anymor-

His lips are crashing against yours, not caring for your words and you're frozen still until you just _forget. _Lips pushing back roughly against his, before you stop. Pushing him away, far away from you. Shooting him a disgusted look. You're engaged, or were. These past three months, all your thoughts have been consumed of Nate. You had only said yes to Dan because Nate had gone, left you alone, told you that the two of you could never, _ever_, work out. Ever.

"I'm sorry, Serena. I wasn't thinking!" Nate exclaims, grabbing at your arm. He's desperate, and you can't fall back into this pattern. A secret affair in-between relationships. This thing with Dan is final, you'll go back and say you still want to marry him and then you'll marry him. You'll live happily ever after, right?

"I need you, Serena. For the past three months you're all I could think about. I made a mistake. I was scared, you'd be better off with Dan. You love him more, he loves you. I get it. We don't exactly have this over powering love, but I love you, Serena. I do and I want you. I'll fight for you. I'm not letting you go." You want to cry, it's all you've ever wanted to hear but you don't love Nate the way he loves you. The way he deserves to be loved.

"I'm sorry, Nate. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. We're better off as friends. Goodbye." And then you're gone.

::

**Authors Note: **Lyrics taken from, in order of appearance, Kill Me by The Pretty Reckless. Bang Bang Bang by the Soho Dolls. Tennis Court by Lorde. 400 Lux by Lorde. The Backpack Song by Bear Attack.


End file.
